Nonexistence

You’re killing me slowly, and it’s like you’re blind to it. Each day that passes, my soul burns add more to the pile of ashes. The emptiness inside of me screams for help. However, you still chose not to listen. I beg and plead for you to give me the love you promised my all you hear are my cry baby tears. You promised the moon and the stars and couldn’t deliver the dirt here on earth. I’m stuck in a loop filled with recurring liars. Hysterically ironic how I ended up with that title. Flaws flaws flaws let’s name them all the devil is my name if I don’t recall. Your angelic, like perfection, needs demolishing. Your ego to crumble and fall.

The chip you carry on your shoulder, the one before you met me, has burdened you for life without exceptions. You’re killing softly, and I know your soul feels it when you reach the void in my stare. My daily life has become a constant battle with do I live or do I die. Reassuring myself things can’t get worse. Boom like a bomb, an explosion burst through the already suffocating emotions. I can’t breathe as I gasp for air I scream I can’t do this anymore followed by I’m all alone. Those screams echo through my body like a child learning the echo of his voice for the first time. The sound ricochets off my bones, piercing my heart a little more. Its validity couldn’t be validated more. I have been deserted. Abandoned by all of those who’ve told the biggest lie yet, I love you.   

Love, love is this made-up word society has given the general population to use for the fuzzy warm feeling we get right before the gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, soul-sucking, existence taking pain we can’t bear. Its invisibility is how I explain your God. How can I believe in someone who won’t reveal himself or acknowledge his existence so I can feel his presence? If what they say about him is true, he knew I was going to live a life in misery with the diagnosis of BPD. So why wouldn’t he of allowed me to die of SIDS as a baby? I got this far even after six attempts at suicide back in your life, and trusted things would be real this time. Here I am with the same words I used the first time. We are falling apart. We need to fix this, but all the comprehends in the selfish brain you carry is I’m just a cry baby. Continuously repeating yourself with the comment,” this is me if you don’t like it leave.”  With your phone in your hand everywhere you go never leaving it behind curious as to what I might find. Your accusations you throw at me confirms the already growing suspicions. Sadly, you chose not to notice I would indeed take a bullet for you.

The definition of a ride or die, and you’re still hanging on to what could or might be. Letting the parts of what our love was supposed to be slip beneath you into the cracks of a land where they rot for eternity. Wait, hold on. Maybe it’s not you. It’s perhaps me. For if I don’t recall I’m unloveable, I can’t be the devil those powers wouldn’t leave me so weak and vulnerable. As I see it and the worlds imprinted it into my brain, I am the equivalent to cirrhosis of the liver. Consume too much of the negativity that follows me, and eventually, you can’t get rid of the waste I leave behind. Consider this as my goodbye, and it’ll reach you just in time. Don’t let the guilt of my short-lived life eat you alive, as we are all born only to die. 

Nothing alike

You said we were the same. You said we went hand in hand. The wild side I could never tame. I only let you in because you promise to keep me safe. You took me to an imaginary world when home became unsafe.

It was my sanctuary, a place where I could feel like I matter! I was a gymnast, a hero, and defender of abuse! This world I could always win! Sometimes I was an Indian, sometimes just what I thought was a normal adolescent girl!

I still liked to play with barbies until that day my sister told me I wasn’t wanted, I wasn’t real! They forced mom to take you home; they adopted you! My mother told me, “your father raped me you were not meant to be”! It all made complete sense, hanging there in what I had left to believe!

A dad that forced me to have life, and a mom that never wanted me! A burden I must be! Maybe that’s why she let all those horrible things happen to me!

I learned at a very, very young age not to trust a single soul! If you tried, it would serve no real justice! I’d just sit there a target, ready and preserved!

A target for sexual abuse now turned into a game of brutal use! This ripped my mind apart! My life became a game of Janga, holding all the pieces together! I pulled the last pieces from the puzzle. Damaged goods are how I’d see myself forever.

I fought this pain for so many years! Wore a smile to fake, for all the people who surrounded me! For even those who dared to delude anything ever happened! I got good at pretending too, even though I was saddened!

I tried for years, falling in love with men who degraded all the good I had in inside! Abused some secrets I trusted them enough to confide! They used my weakness to keep me on their leash!

The choices they made to abuse me mentally and emotionally, this I thought I deserved! If I was given the choice, I’d choose physical abuse. But I fell prey and my heart and mind gave on a platter I gladly served!

I let you neglect to be a parent, and I always took the fall! I always did what I thought was right! I never pushed you to be a parent, have had no choice but to be one! I just put your feelings first, before theirs, before my own!

You still break me down, call me an awful mother! Not seeing the sacrifices I made, you refuse to care about my struggles; you didn’t even bother!

One father was addicted to prescription drugs to help him feel numb, the other sent off to prison! Not even a thank you or I’m sorry! No, sorry for hitting me or holding me hostage! No, sorry for the drugs and alcohol being more important than your own child! No remorse for running wild!

But sure enough when it all became too much! When I heard every time, you told me, those beautiful babies were better off without me! Maybe when I was burning in hell, I’d finally be where I needed to be! When you belittled me instead of help raise your own babies!

When I slipped into what I call a living coma! My life became all the lyrics of a champagne supernova! I just wanted to end my pathetic life, I had to find a way out! I begged and pleaded with God to take the pain away! Help me, so many times I was ready to die!

The last straw was that last divorce, I gave it my all! He was so fake it was hard to see he wasn’t real. A fairy tale turned into a nightmare I wish I couldn’t recall! In the middle of the night with the cops involved! He denied everything he had done from the first time to the last! Pushing him aside as if he were a fresh blast from my horrible past!

That was the day I knew I was just done! So tired of trying, I had lost the battles to war I thought the other side had just won! All defeated me with overpowering pain! So many years of freedom living in vain! They still have yet to taste this thing people call karma. Living in their immature state like larva.

But I don’t believe in the word karma! I see too many people living without souls, they’ve done sold them to the devil. They may think I’m some evil, heartless person living without my soul! In reality, I was living with a pain-filled heart so full!

I just knew I wasn’t worthy of love, and I wasn’t even sure if I really knew what love was! Never really felt it from my mother, the father was never around. They taught me to believe that the way to show love was with sexual behavior! But all that really did was turn me into the weekly new flavor! Starving for love and affection! But I couldn’t even stand to look at my reflection!

When I found genuine love, I ran from what I thought couldn’t be real! This was like a new product with a heavily damaged seal! You know, disregard this product someone has tampered it with! So I never let him in, dealt with things all alone! Just the way it’s always been, all I had ever known!

After I had given myself all so many times, never ahead and so fucking isolated and alone! That’s when I knew it was time to end all of what I couldn’t do anymore! Outside my body, watching me from above like a toy drone! This time wasn’t the same as many times before!

I so desperately wanted those who wronged me to care about what they did! Wanting them to see what the actions had caused in the truth that they hid! For a moment in time, I just wanted my existence to matter! But for the ones I needed to help heal my pain, I served the thought of my end to them on a silver platter!

I planned it for months; I knew I had to go! I knew I couldn’t do this in front of my children! Oh, how I never wanted our lives together to end! But they said they were better off without me! I was a worthless mom! I worked too much, or I just never did enough! Truth is, I tried so hard to be better than what I had at their age! I tried for a better chapter and a fresh page!

Once convinced, there was no turning back! Yes, I had people who seemed to care! Truth is, I didn’t believe them either! Perfect strangers, how could they care! They’ve never been there, they’ve never lived in my fear!

So that day finally came, two days after Christmas! I prearranged my text to say goodbye! With everything I needed to say, all the problems they caused underlined! Letters wrote to my children, explaining why they were so much better off without me!

I took all 90 pills and drank all six 100 proof shooters! It was 6:30 in the morning the house was empty. No one due to return for many hours. I remember drifting off to sleep to a playlist soul-wrenching deep!

The next thing I can remember is waking up angry! Why would anyone try to save me! A waste of space, a person who never mattered.  I just wanted to end this nightmare I’ve been in so long! No need to drag this out, no need to prolong! Doc said, ” you had taken enough to kill a horse”. I didn’t even comprehend what this meant.

I was out for three days and stuck there three more! Then sent off to a hospital for drug addicts! I was ever on drugs or addicted to anything. But here I met so many people, so different from myself!

One drank mouthwash seven times. He almost died of alcohol poisoning! One was a heroin addict, another on meth! All used to cover pain, but you see I was nothing like them!

I was desperate just to end the pain, wasn’t trying to mask it with an addiction! I was literally being driven insane! Sure, I got some help and diagnosed a label! You have severe depression, extreme anxiety, and miss you suffer from PTSD. They loaded me up on some medication, I still was just the same, still couldn’t sleep!

The nightmares got worse, couldn’t tell the difference between actual life and a normal dream! I was well enough for a release back home! Home I didn’t have one anymore, my life was even worse than before!

Here I am a year and a half later, still fighting to get a life back! But not the same one as before! That life was not good for any part of my soul! Cutting people out left and right! I won’t beg anyone to stay, I’ll no longer fight that fight!

I still fight depression, with my pain comes recovery! It doesn’t evaporate in thin air just because you no longer want to feel that hell! I still cry and find myself lost in my thoughts! But I am nothing like what you said! I am worthy of more than I received and a purpose I may not know for years!

Suicide

My friend suicide, let me tell you about her. She is soft, she is sweet. She lets you in with comfort until you feel defeat.

Oh, dear suicide she will give you the illusion of heaven but put you through hell. She will be sweet until desperate is all you feel!

She won’t let you reach out to a single soul, every time you try she will tug and pull until you feel crazy and helpless! Until you look around and the rumors are true, your name is ms. Loveless!!!

Do you know who could love you? he took your soul at just seven years old! It’s been pounded in your head by everyone you told!

The sin goes on punishment free for you, but me an innocent, it wakes up everyday! I can’t forget the touch, every touch every smell. The smell of Stetson the smell of old spice.

I can smell it in almost every place I go! Every older man that I see I’m scared of everything, man I know!

So frightened I had to find a way to go! I knew my thoughts weren’t normal! But I couldn’t trust a soul to tell! Please I’d beg for someone to hear my cries! Not a soul saw the sadness that laid deep in my eyes!

Those who had done the evil things had to of known my soul was broken right? But the day I tried to take my life! Obviously not as they let me lay there in the strife! Asking others how could anyone do this to me, why should I be punished, how is this my fault! As I sit here and try to take my own life!

All those times God didn’t let her die, she never did or could understand why! She is is still battling depression in this episode we call life! Every day she wonders why she couldn’t complete her own suicide! She’s tried the hanging, pills, even cut her wrist just right!

Still stuck here trying to find out why! It’d be easier to just say she was an addict! There is no stigma behind that it’s welcomed as a disease! But her feeling worthless and not having purpose in this world isn’t enough for a soul to understand!

She lost all that was supposed to stand behind her, those who should have seen her falling apart at all her seams! She was alone than with people that surrounded her! She is alone now with not but a soul in her sight!

She still feels like it’s wrong to talk about the way she really feels, honestly, she just doesn’t know how! She had always been shamed for her emotions, made fun of because of her tears!

She tried to be tough and hide behind them, she holds them back until she can’t! But she still doesn’t come out and say today I thought of suicide again, how everyone would just be better off if I was dead! You know just like Andrew said!

The comments he made when I asked him for help raising his own child! Then the comments he got to make when I tried to make his dreams come true! Or like Travis when his dad and sister got to raise my first baby as they’re own! But where the fuck was they up until that day! She was 11, not 2, 5, or 7. I worked 3 jobs to try to support them and give them it all! No help from there fathers they just enjoyed watching me fall!

So today they get to convince them I surely can’t love them at all! I have been trying to come back from this, and cope! Go to therapy, counseling even had a hospital stay! I still get to bounce back as a piece of shit, even though I was never a drug addict at all!

No, I wasn’t addicted to drugs, maybe a short stint with the alcohol! But I learned quickly I wasn’t addicted, quit with no withdrawal! I did, however, use it to cover up the hurt and the pain! The discomfort I never wanted to feel again!

Here I stand still, begging God please help me! I lean on to you, hearing the promise he heals all wounds! I’m still hurting, can’t find my way out! I keep going keep trying as my love tells me too! I can’t conquer the world in one day! It’s been a year and a half and I’ve done isolated everyone! Always moving around but trapping myself in the same kind of users!

This time it’s just him and I, he doesn’t understand the loneliness I feel, he’s never had to be here! It’s not ever happened to him, so to him, it doesn’t feel real! I wish I had the courage to let him in and how deep it’s getting again! How close I am becoming to bring all this pain to its dark bitter end!

I don’t wanna do this anymore, there is not much fight left in me! A minute alone feels like a year in solitude! Can I please just come clean! Can I please speak out and let this emptiness be seen!

I can’t be left alone in my thoughts, depressions as won this battle! I can’t wake up and can’t be left in peace! All the coping tricks no longer work! I miss them beyond your subliminal messages you call words! The memories of their faces are just drifting down a spiral of sadness I’m slipping towards!

The fight is just about over, I’m weak! Just like you knew I’d always be! This is what you wanted at just age 3! Never a sister that carried my blood, but an enemy that knew I would flood! You win, jealous that the touch wasn’t just for you! But I was fresh and that soul just wanted to feel me too!

You say I was easy, sure it’s just what I wanted, to believe a grown man fondling me was a love so true! Sure he taught me to drive and fix motors, to this day I play dumb pretend I’m helpless! I’d give every second of those days back just to not feel so lifeless!

What makes this all so sad is, I’d give all of my days and everything I love to go back! To give all of you a better picture of this life! To be happier and not so bitter! To keep you away from every drug and any booze that ever effected your soul! And what hurts the most is I’d never of getting a cup of water if I was burning alive!

I know this because my soul was dying! I wanted to die and so badly needed to know someone cared! My life I’ll never understand why it was spared! It’s a battle I fight daily! Some days I pray to God please save me! Other days I think of the next best way to end me and it comes out so sanely!

But I’ll wake up tomorrow and fight it all once more! I’ll start by reading the scripture on love doesn’t abandon those! I’ll remind myself I am worthy! And remember those who stand with me! I’ll probably shed a few tears! Look to my left and even though he may not know how sad I am, he looks in my eyes and tries to make me laugh! He lets me know he’s here, and looks me in the eye and tells me to slow down! It will all come together! I’ll pray all day God please takes this I can’t do this on my own! And I’ll manage to have another tomorrow!

Sister

Sister, oh dear sister! The broken home we shared, we grew up in it together! We thought the beatings and endless nightmares would last forever. Oh dear sister, I thought so much of you. Once upon a lonely time, you were even my only idol. Oh sister, oh dear sister! As you grew older, your heart just grew colder. The days grew darker, with the stains that grew on our hearts! But it left those stains in permanent marker! Shades of grey and thin, thin red lines. Oh, big sister, not there to save me, I had no protector. I woke up every night to your horror! Oh, sister, I’m so very sorry I couldn’t stop it. I got to feel that same pain. Helpless, scared didn’t know what to do but lay there and deal with what I didn’t know was abuse! I was there too. Oh dear, sister! I saved you that day from the punch in the face! Let me take your place. Without gratitude for the beatings, I took for you! You walked away without a second look. Somehow I still loved you, which made you hate me even more! I was never good enough; you said I was the scum beneath the ocean floor! But even then I followed you to a new town, you were the only person I wanted to make proud! I craved your acceptance, lacking any kind of relationship. The years went on; I was 14 when I called you at 3 am! You wouldn’t answer your damn phone. That night I took an entire bottle of trazodone! But you already knew that wasn’t the first time! And yet you still left me stranded in my mind! Time went on, always trying to impress you and give you more. I forgive, I forgave you for the loneliness you let me endure! My love for you never went away, yes dear sister, even to this day. Even the year I plotted my death! Until the day I thought I took my very last breath! The day I woke up in anger, cause you didn’t come, should have known my heart was never your home. You sat to crucify me, but never to understand what may just be! Never because you didn’t understand, but because you hated me! Oh, dear sister, I have forgiven thee! I know we have the longest road ahead, or may never find a relationship! But sister, oh big sister, I hope God can mend some friendship! But if you continue our journey in anger, just know I’ll never blame the finger! Cause oh dear sister, you’re just as broken. We were all the broken few! But dear sister know I still fucking need you!

Dear God

Oh dear God, you have pulled me from the ashes of deep darkness. The devil, angel of darkness and trapped in a corner. I have read your words but believed in his lies! But dear God, I know you have heard all my cries! You’ve been there every step of the way! God I know you needed to let me break! I fell to pieces at your feet. I know you didn’t let me fall to the devils defeat! You brought me out of the darkness. I know, my body was lifeless! My whole soul was given back, piece by piece! I’ll always be thankful for this new life with peace! For those who throw judgement I’ll continue to pray! I know I’m not perfect, and will never pretend to be! I’m healing just at the pace you want me to! I finally know the purpose you had in store. And your word is what I’m living for! It’s been a ride, that I’m more than sure! You’ve had my back when I didnt deserve it. Your love is pure, even though I haven’t been worthy. I know when I draw closer to you, that’s when I sink low. The demons rush in, depression hits me with a big blow. I wash away every single sign that you’ve let me know. But you’ve pushed and pushed to let me know you’re here. God I’m so sorry I didn’t know i was so blessed! Stay with me, hold my hand! Climb the mountains with me, help me stand! I owe so much to you, my heart is so full! Thank you for making me understand God rest my soul!

Frostbite

My heart’s so cold it burns. It burns but not like fire. My fingertips are so numb the burn is a pain that cannot be explained. She looked into the devil’s eyes and said I’d rather burn in your gates of hell than to die in your frozen spell. I’m not a queen, your queen of frostbitten loneliness! You’ve taken my trust and I cannot speak! I can’t be honest, I’m just too fucking weak. I break everything around me, everyone can see! You’ve made me your train wreck in your own tragic mess. You violated my soul and tortured it until it left! I now sit here empty in your fucking mess. Every time I chose just me, you dangle the light of happiness in front of me. Give me back my soul. Let me wake up from this nightmare, you have me stuck on a loop. You let him love me and just as I was believing in it, you took him, poof. Your deep red eyes they don’t scare me, the pain you caused is the same pain you’ve trapped me in. I’ve felt it at age seven. Snuck in like God coming down from heaven. I’m done with the evil you have handed down. Don’t touch me, your touch is disgust! You’ve allowed me to be a disgrace that I can no longer face! So stop with the slow freezing pain! I’d rather die in your fire, demon! Let me burn quickly. Let me burn in your fire. Cause compared to your frostbite, your blaze of fire ain’t shit.

She misses him like the devil misses the rain. But the rain turned to fire and she is now stuck with the burning pain! The fire then turned to ashes and they were left with nothing but the burning passion! She is her own worst enemy! Begging the Gods please just destroy me. It was a short lived love but the moment was real. Not one human soul could understand this devils deal.

Must be the devil

When I first saw her, she was singing in a two piece band. That was all I needed to decide I was ready to feel that hurt again.
I went down this road and can’t seem to find my way back. Everything you said you were, was everything you lack.
The mountains are tall, and the rivers are high. She clipped my wings and whispered demons can’t fly. Lord, I beg, please guide me. She must be the devil, kicked out of heaven. The worst kind of rebel.
We didn’t have anywhere to be, but wanted to get there fast. Blinded by what I didn’t want to see, living five seconds in the past.
My heart broke, but we spoke no words. Days went by, as did the years. Where she once loved just me, in just one word she confirmed all my fears.
The mountains are tall, and the rivers are high. She clipped my wings and whispered demons can’t fly. Lord, I beg please guide me. She must be the devil kicked out of heaven. The worst kind of rebel.

I’m still gonna love you

Love him even if it ends in fire he holds my heart even if he is only ends in a cold desire. Love me I’m begging even if the pain rips me apart. I wanna give you all of me but I’m scared of what we could be! I don’t want less than what we should be but listen I can’t trust any human being. I see that you don’t trust either but you can’t trust me at all! Let’s let this kill us let’s let this be our final fall! I don’t have enough time to waste so let’s make the steps to have something raw! Life without you was pretty plain. You have given me a purpose. Our new battle is to keep each other from our own pain. Isn’t it funny we are taught to trust first, let them hurt you second! I’m sorry, but the world changed me I don’t trust first! If you earn it I’ll give you the reasons to hate me.

Broken

She still writes letters she doesn’t send. She’ll waste the paper If it helps her beat-up heart mend. If you listen late at night, you can hear her cries. She doesn’t know where to go, she is an elegant angel, but her wings remain broken. She no longer flies. She’ll push you so far away from her walls up so high she’ll end up in a straight jacket the moment you start to pry.

It was a cold winter morning a Friday she was born. This day wasn’t a happy day of birth. This day was the day life was indeed given. See this girl, and she tried so hard to die. In and out one-stop, she could no longer numb the pain. With years of heartache and lies, she set back and mapped out her demise.

On that very day, she had nothing left to lose. With a handful of pills and doubt, she wanted to know what the afterlife was all about. With headphones on, Broken Window serenade playing on repeat. She peacefully went to sleep. There were no dreams or big bright lights. There was no darkness, just emptiness. The way she assumed it would be.

She still writes letters she doesn’t send. She’ll waste the paper If it helps her beat-up heart mend. If you listen late at night, you can hear her cries. She doesn’t know where to go. She is an elegant angel with broken wings; she no longer flies. She’ll push you so far away from her walls so high you’ll end up in a straight jacket the moment you start to pry

Six days later, she opened her eyes. Her anger was fierce. She wasn’t supposed to see fluorescent lights. Her screams were like piercing knives. The people around her in a state of shock as she came back to life. In disbelief, she was disappointed to be breathing, but death is what she needed. I was supposed to die; she begged and pleaded.

Here the days have passed. The angel still feels the same. Her heart has turned colder. She no longer has a desire for worldly things. Every day to her is like an endless jury trial. A soul is worn with every miserable mile. She is damaged goods, and her inner beauty is the skyline deep in the twilight of everything it should.

She still writes letters she doesn’t send. She’ll waste the paper If it helps her beat-up heart mend. If you listen late at night, you can hear her cries. She doesn’t know where to go, she is an elegant angel, but her wings are broken; she no longer flies. She’ll push you so far away from her walls so high you’ll have no choice but to hit your knees and cry.

Give her time as she no longer needs a companion. She is better at being alone. She doesn’t walk with the world, no face down on her phone. She gets anxious as she enters any door. She was scared and left broken, as she has so many times before.

She quit writing letters she’ll never send. She stopped trying to make broken hearts mend. Don’t bother listening late at night when she cries. She doesn’t know where she is going. She will always be an elegant angel who no longer flies. She’ll push you so far away from walls she has built so high. She’s boxed her heart upon a shelf with no room for even the evilest of demons to try.